I went to the doctor the other day and said, for the first time out loud, that we're officially going to start getting ready to have a baby. I have a new doctor, in my (still feels like new) home on the North shore, and this feels like a clean slate, fresh start, new chapter.
I'm wrestling with something, emotionally. I am not entirely sure of the source, and (for once in my life), I'm not sure the source matters. I'm also not sure this wrestle will ever go away. I am getting the sense it's more another "room" that I need to keep tidy. It's not something I can tend to and it's clean forever.
There are some bigger life events that I have been stewing in: charged both positively and negatively. In the sea of my life, it feels like some bigger elements have been drudged up in the past few years. I know I need to work through these themes. I've been doing a lot of thinking and churning, but not a lot of expressing.
My aim now is to put pieces of my life forward, without having everything figured out, so that I can present what's real. I am a deeply vulnerable and sensitive person. I hide much of that person away so I don't overwhelm people. I feel like I am a pinhole camera, only letting a piece of light through me at a time. I want to BUST through that pinhole here and in how I express myself. Slowly, it will come. I will need to work my muscles, both figuratively and literally.
I will be living out louder, ideally encouraging others to do the same.
