My body and I are getting ready to have a baby

I went to the doctor the other day and said, for the first time out loud, that we're officially going to start getting ready to have a baby. I have a new doctor, in my (still feels like new) home on the North shore, and this feels like a clean slate, fresh start, new chapter.

I'm wrestling with something, emotionally. I am not entirely sure of the source, and (for once in my life), I'm not sure the source matters. I'm also not sure this wrestle will ever go away. I am getting the sense it's more another "room" that I need to keep tidy. It's not something I can tend to and it's clean forever. 

There are some bigger life events that I have been stewing in: charged both positively and negatively. In the sea of my life, it feels like some bigger elements have been drudged up in the past few years. I know I need to work through these themes. I've been doing a lot of thinking and churning, but not a lot of expressing. 

My aim now is to put pieces of my life forward, without having everything figured out, so that I can present what's real. I am a deeply vulnerable and sensitive person. I hide much of that person away so I don't overwhelm people. I feel like I am a pinhole camera, only letting a piece of light through me at a time. I want to BUST through that pinhole here and in how I express myself. Slowly, it will come. I will need to work my muscles, both figuratively and literally.

I will be living out louder, ideally encouraging others to do the same.

My body and I are co-creating a healthy gut

I am one of those annoying people who started a cleanse yesterday and want to tell you ALL about it. I will share more details as they become relevant, but to give you some background: I’m doing the Standard Process Cleanse.

I learned about it at a retreat I went to in 2013. A wellness expert was speaking and talking about the evils of Diet Coke. I had stopped drinking it when I had heard her, and shared with her that I used to drink around 10 Diet Cokes a day. If I’m being honest, that would be a light day. I don’t know what I was doing – what I was replacing with the soda. But I know it had an impact. My stomach has been unreliable for as long as I can remember. So, her advice was “for any diet coke drinkers out there…” was to do the Standard Process Cleanse to work towards a healthy gut.

At first, “healthy gut” felt like an oxy-moron. Isn’t a “gut” what I’m trying to avoid? I had only thought about a flat stomach, not necessarily a healthy one. I was curious. Looking back, it was the first time I had even thought about microbiome or the role it play in how we look, sure, but also how healthy we are. Microbiome is little microorganisms and bacteria and viruses that live on our skins and in our bodies. The largest collection of microbiome live in our gastro tract – so where the food goes.

Your microbiome is shaped by environmental factors, including what you eat and drink, what other toxins you’re exposed to, etc. So, I’m doing this cleanse to make sure my microbiome is moving towards healthy. And – the coolest part – is that I am tracking it too!

I signed up for a kit from ubiome, an organization that gives you a reading of your microbiome. I am going to do the reading before and after see how things shake out.

That’s what’s happening! My body and I are working together, in concert, to create a healthy gut. I am working on giving it the food and nourishment it needs and my hope is that it will still be it’s beautiful resilient self and work with me on this.

So, more to come!

My body is going to tell me something in 5-7 business days

You might have heard mention of microbiome. Microbiome are the microorganisms, like bacteria and viruses, that live in and around our human bodies. Scientists are researching the microbiome more and more and finding connections between our microbiome make up and the state of our health. The slang or short hand for an optimal microbiome in one’s stomach/gi tract is a “healthy gut.” So, I’ve sent a sample of my gut away to ubiome.com and they are going to tell me more about what’s in my microbiome.

I am very excited to learn more at the organism level. I don’t know what the results will be like, or how much relative information they will give me, but it certainly feels worthwhile to find out more.

Dear body

Dear body,

I got married to someone else. His name is Josh and he is great! One of the many wonderful things about him: he supports us continuing to date each other. So, that’s why I’m reaching back out to rekindle our relationship. To pick up where we left off?

I’m guessing that you’re already rolling your eyes about “picking things up where we left off.” Because, let’s be honest, neither of us are really where we were anymore.

Is a better phrase: to get reacquainted? I’d like to hear about where you’ve been and I can tell you where I’ve been.

I’ve been distracted, busy, selfish. I’ve been in my own mind. I’ve been trying to land business and fighting to be present. I’ve been battling some deep demons and just wanting to tune some of the hard things out to maybe make things lighter and easier in the short term. I’ve chosen chocolate and real housewives over salads and the gym. Time and time again, I’ve thought “I’ll start over on Monday.” That’s been since January. I’ve been putting the hard stuff off, thinking I’ve got more time before summer comes, thinking I’ll have one more last hurrah of junk food – meaning I had about 10 hurrahs that have now stockpiled in my system and body. I’ve neglected you. I’ve thought about my mind and the outer world. I’ve been distant and then absent.

And you? When I ask you feel sluggish. And shut down. It’s not an active conversation. And yet there is the underlying regal and stoic feeling, like your greatness is in there, it’s just clouded up. There are some attachments that aren’t serving. There’s a desire to get back to the original model. There’s a stillness in my legs. A fear. Like a kind of nervous energy that’s paralyzing. Like what we need is rest. And the stomach and core is a blur – like it’s just been overly padded. Feels like a deep wound with lots of bandaging. I can’t even see what we’re looking at yet. It’s too far away. The first step is to just unravel the bandaging.

We’re taking some exploratory steps today and in the coming weeks. We’re going to get some time to slow down together. To ask questions of each other.

We will be traveling together, next week, and will have to do some planning together leading up to the trip. Let’s take it phase by phase. Might be days might be hours might be seconds.

I don’t feel warmth here. It doesn’t feel good. When I close my eyes and think about the best times we’ve had together, my body and I, I feel warmth. I feel good. I feel plugged in, especially at the core. That’s the feeling I need to plug into for visualization.

With deep love and admiration,

Caitlin