Dear body

Dear body,

I got married to someone else. His name is Josh and he is great! One of the many wonderful things about him: he supports us continuing to date each other. So, that’s why I’m reaching back out to rekindle our relationship. To pick up where we left off?

I’m guessing that you’re already rolling your eyes about “picking things up where we left off.” Because, let’s be honest, neither of us are really where we were anymore.

Is a better phrase: to get reacquainted? I’d like to hear about where you’ve been and I can tell you where I’ve been.

I’ve been distracted, busy, selfish. I’ve been in my own mind. I’ve been trying to land business and fighting to be present. I’ve been battling some deep demons and just wanting to tune some of the hard things out to maybe make things lighter and easier in the short term. I’ve chosen chocolate and real housewives over salads and the gym. Time and time again, I’ve thought “I’ll start over on Monday.” That’s been since January. I’ve been putting the hard stuff off, thinking I’ve got more time before summer comes, thinking I’ll have one more last hurrah of junk food – meaning I had about 10 hurrahs that have now stockpiled in my system and body. I’ve neglected you. I’ve thought about my mind and the outer world. I’ve been distant and then absent.

And you? When I ask you feel sluggish. And shut down. It’s not an active conversation. And yet there is the underlying regal and stoic feeling, like your greatness is in there, it’s just clouded up. There are some attachments that aren’t serving. There’s a desire to get back to the original model. There’s a stillness in my legs. A fear. Like a kind of nervous energy that’s paralyzing. Like what we need is rest. And the stomach and core is a blur – like it’s just been overly padded. Feels like a deep wound with lots of bandaging. I can’t even see what we’re looking at yet. It’s too far away. The first step is to just unravel the bandaging.

We’re taking some exploratory steps today and in the coming weeks. We’re going to get some time to slow down together. To ask questions of each other.

We will be traveling together, next week, and will have to do some planning together leading up to the trip. Let’s take it phase by phase. Might be days might be hours might be seconds.

I don’t feel warmth here. It doesn’t feel good. When I close my eyes and think about the best times we’ve had together, my body and I, I feel warmth. I feel good. I feel plugged in, especially at the core. That’s the feeling I need to plug into for visualization.

With deep love and admiration,

Caitlin